On Bureaucracy

"Most of the time, working people, especially government workers, have to justify their existence."

PUBLIC SERVICE

"You don't have to be a politician or a public official to help people." 
                           H. Dale Thompson

Oink Smith

Two Marines were riding down the road one night when one of them spotted a large pig running down the side of the road.  Thinking that the pig would make a nice supper for them, they grabbed the pig and put it in the front of their truck.  As they were driving back to their homes, the Marines came up a road block by the Navy Shore Patrol. 

Not knowing what to do, one of the Marines grabbed his cap and put it on the head of the pig.  As they approached the road block, they put the pig up in the front seat. 

It was dark by this time and the Marines hoped they could get through the roadblock.

The sailor ordered the driver to roll his window down. 

"What's your name Marine," the sailor said.

"John Smith, sir," the Marine answered.

"You, over there in the passenger seat.  What's your name," the guard said?

"My name is Bill, Bill Smith. I am his brother." the other Marine said.

Then the sailor said, "You, there in the middle, what's your name."?

There was silence.

"That's our brother," the Marines said.

Again the sailor commanded, "You, there in the middle, what's your name?"

The Marine in the passenger seat poked the pig in the side and it went "oink!"

The shore patrolman said, "Go ahead, Marines and you stay out of trouble."

The Marines were relieved as they drove off, knowing they had fooled that stupid sailor.

As the truck pulled away, the shore patrolman was shaking his head.

"What's wrong," another sailor said?

As he continued shaking his head the patrolman said, "I've see some ugly Marines, but that Oink Smith is the ugliest damn Marine I have ever seen!"

An Amazing Card Trick

If you want to dazzle your friends with an amazing card trick or perhaps win a little or a lot money try the following card trick.  It works every time.

Take 21 playing cards or trading cards.

Deal the 21 cards into three piles.

Ask a friend to chose a card and tell you which pile it is in.

Once they have identified the pile, pick it up and place that pile in the center of the other two piles.  It makes no difference which pile is on the top or the bottom.

Repeat the process three times.

Then deal from the top.

When you reach the eleventh (11th) card turn it over and show it.

Wala! You have just done a magical (actually mathematical) trick.

Guaranteed (if you do it right and they don't forget or cheat) to work everytime.

Practice it first before you make a fool of your self.

Oh, Say, How Far Can You See?

One day there was a trial on a car accident.  The only witness, testifying on behalf of the plaintiff,  was an old black man who happened to be walking along the side of the road near the scene of the collision.  Upon cross examination by the defendant's attorney in order to discredit Sam's confirmation of the defendant's guilt, the man was asked if he wore glasses.  "No sir," the old man said. 

"Well," the attorney says, "You were actually a long way from where this supposed wreck happened, were you not?" 

"No sir, not really," the old man answered.

"Now, Sam, how far can you see," the lawyer asked?

"I don't know," Sam replied.

"Can you see a mile," the frustrated lawyer continued?

"Yes, sir," said Sam.

"Can you see two miles," the lawyer said?

"Yes, sir," Sam responded.

"Can you see five miles, ten miles," the lawyer gasped?

"Yes, sir," Sam calmly said.

Completely at the end of his wits, the lawyer made the cardinal sin of asking a question on cross examination which you don't know the answer to by asking,  "Well, Sam, just tell the jury just how far you can see."

Without a moment's hesitation, Sam looked at the lawyer and said, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Admitting complete defeat, the lawyer sat in his chair and muttered, "No further questions your honor."

Circumstantial Evidence

After a long and heated jury trial, the jury announced they were hopelessly deadlocked.  When the lone holdout juror was asked why he voted to acquit, he said the evidence was too circumstantial.  When told that he could convict someone on circumstantial evidence, he said that he would never do so. 

He told the story that one day he was in Sunday School and the teacher asked the class with what did Simon slay the Phillistine?  The teacher called on me and I didn't know, but the boy behind me whispered the answer in my ear, so I said with great pride, "He jobbed him in the ass!"  I was sent home and my daddy whipped me good, so I swore I would never convict anyone on circumstantial evidence.

On The Value of Pi

Teacher told Johnny "Pi r squared."  "No mam," Johnny said, "Pie are round."